Wednesday, January 30, 2008

A word from G-d...

"You're not supposed to be perfect so stop hating yourself when you fall short of some goal that for all you know, I never had any design on you for."

This idea keeps flitting through my conscience when I am hard on myself. I feel His hand on my shoulder and I want to cry. I want a hug. I know that's human emotionality, but it is what it is. I wonder if I'm going to get to ask Him what it means or if He's right and why and in what context. He tells me, but my doubt gets in the way of holding the belief. Yet still I tread on, numb, and headed where he sends me.

I tried to walk away before, and was tortured near to insanity by the reminders He'd leave in my path. All of it boils down to that simple statement from Buckaroo Banzai... "Wherever you go, there you are."

He made me, and in His image. I can no more run from Him than I can escape myself. I know he doesn't expect perfection but I want so much to make Him proud somehow. Just one redeeming thing before I go. I fear I'll never get to do it. He says not to worry, but why do I want so much to prove myself? If I am in His image, does He want to prove something to someone, and if so, to who? Where does G-d hang His head when he wants to cry or needs a hug?

Maybe there's a reason I feel so alone. Maybe in that... I'm not.

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