Interlude

Him: Do you think I like it when you're angry and ranting?

Me: No, not really.

Him: So what was the point of getting angry at your mother-in-law the other day?

Me: Ostensibly because she interrupted my prayer and inspirational reading time, also known as my all too short lunch.

Him: So the way you show how much you want to spend time with me is go ballistic over the lack thereof and yell when you know that only puts you farther from me, because I can't be heard over your yammering?

Me: Is it just the way you put it or is it really stupid across the board?

Him: That last one.

Me: I will apologize.

Him: No excuses either. Normally, I'd pay no attention to how you apologized if it worked and communicated true intent and was accepted fully as that's between you and them. However, you did want to try a new technique of no-excuses which has already got you shivering with fright. So, still sure you want to go the no-excuses route or...

Me: This is going to be like Full Metal Jacket. You'll pinch me harder if I reverse myself.

Him: Only if you're shortchanging your own principles. Be true to thine own self as you humans say, but as I say, ask me about you first. I do know more about you than you like to think and more than you're generally willing to admit to yourselves.

Me: I am a principled something or other, right?

Him: Product representational ethics was always the chief thing sticking in your craw when you were a salesman. You never felt honest about it.

Me: I can't think of any excuses other than medication changes.

Him: And she already knows that so...

Me: Just apologize without excuses because I've already mentioned the one legitimate point and I should leave it up to her as to whether that is enough to explain what I did and how much.

Him: Exactly. Do you have faith in her?

Me: She's a good person.

Him: I didn't ask that.

Me: I have no faith in myself that she should have faith in me, therefore no faith in her to be kind to me and accepting of my apologies. Not that I don't trust her, but I don't see a reason for her to forgive me because I am not ready to forgive me.

Him: Calm down and relax. I already told you hating yourself is a pointless exercise.

Me: I'm sorry.

Him: You need to tell her that.

Me: I needed to tell you that.

Him: I already knew you were or else I wouldn't have brought it up because you wouldn't have been ready to talk about it.

Me: You do know I am already seeing an angle by which no excuses can be seen as an ass-kissing cynical attempt at a non-apology. Like overt selflessness trying to be seen as a hero and not because you mean it for someone else's sake. Or even as a way of scourging myself. It's like there's no right way that won't be in some way serving myself.

Him: Stop being paranoid. That scourging thing is part of why you wanted to walk the no-excuses path because you felt it would flay the layers of your own misconceptions and self-deceptions away.

Me: Maybe you were right I only wanted to do it suicidally. Like an existential jump off a bridge. Get it over with. Not put up a fight. Let my self die with no defense.

Him: So what do you think now?

Me: It could still be either one. Either I'm doing it for my sake because I hate myself and want to put a psychic gun to my head, or I'm doing it for her sake because I'd waste her time with distracting defenses and make the apology into a non-apology.

Him: Yup. It could be either one. You won't know until you giver her a chance.

Me: I'll just say I'm sorry I yelled and leave it at that.

Him: I'll be with you. Remember that.

Me: To chide me or to help me face apologizing?

Him: That last one. I can't chide you nearly as bad as you've already yelled at yourself. Which brings to mind that after you apologize to her, since you already said sorry to me... try saying sorry to yourself. You're obviously feeling more shitty about this than it really warrants and so you're hurt too by you.

Me: Will I forgive me?

Him: Someday, I hope so. I would like you to.